It's bad to talk . . . .

Bart Simpson, everyone's favourite scamp from Springfield, derives great pleasure from torturing bar owner Mo with prank telephone calls. 'Is a Jass there? First name Hugh,' Little Bart coos down the telephone line. 'Hang on a second,' splutters Mo. 'Everybody! Everybody! I'm looking for a Hugh Jass!' The whole bar, one Bart Simpson and the worldwide audience at home erupt with laughter and jeering at stupid old Mo. But in real life, crank call victims are taken much more seriously.

The 'funny phone call' is not a new phenomenon although the deadly connotations of heavy breathers at 2am has not been lost after years of misuse for the sake of a joke. When telephoning late at night, those seeking to terrify have overwhelming advantages over their victim; the call can be anonymous (even in the times of caller ID), the hour is odd thus unsettling and, worst of all, the caller rarely speaks.

Basically, the suspense builds from the moment the ringing begins - think along the lines of Through the key hole-style detective-work: 'Who'd ring at a time like this?' Reason dictates that it is not Bob Hoskins or his friendly alien buddy E.T. Panic sets in and you realise that something must be wrong. Nevertheless, upon lifting the receiver, the answeree is greeted with what sounds like an out of breath pit-bull (not too far from the truth, methinks).

Although, heavy-breathers can be a blessing if it means you are spared abuse hurled down the phone. The prank caller who speaks is likely to have swallowed a dictionary of filthy words that will be unleashed at the rate of two a second. By the time you have even had a chance to rub your sandy eyes, it is probable that Mister Phone Pest (they're usually men) has already blamed you for his f**cked up mental state and the birth of Baby Jesus.

The first rule is not to take it personally and don't assume immediately that his mental state is in the tatters he makes it out to be. Your mystery caller is in most cases some pissed twat and not Michael Myers, fresh from his brief incarceration at a local loony-bin. He rarely has 'love' and 'hate' tattoed across his knuckles and probably actually has a Smurf etched onto his butt cheek.

Nevertheless, repeat offenders, who phone night after night, are not uncommon and can be a living nightmare for those targeted. It would feel like someone has invaded your home, invaded your sleep. The caller may be a vengeful ex-lover or it may be a stalker (sorry, not the best of options for those hoping to sleep easy). In these cases, the reprobates in question have a warped view of Who wants to be a Millionaire's 'phone a friend.' The ex takes it as 'phone an ex-girl/boy friend whenever I feel like it because I did go out with them for two years -dammit!- and, besides, they've still got my Oasis C.D.' Whereas the stalker interprets it as 'phone my friend, my only friend, my bestest friend in the whole world.'

A Wrexham couple suffered at the hands of a phone caller from Hell when they started receiving a stream of silent calls. Simon Pritchard and Jacqueline Roberts began to worry when the stalker upped his campaign of terror by sending obscene letters and slashing their car's tyres. When James McGhee was finally caught he turned to the victims of his abuse and realised his mistake. 'Oh my God, I have got the wrong man,' McGhee cried in an ironic twist in this tale of revenge which was tragically directed at the wrong S. Pritchard. Living proof that not all phone pests are pissed twats. Some are just twats.

The Scream films may be partially to blame for crank call-chic at the moment (then again they may also be blameworthy of Jesus Christ's conception). In the horror trilogy, the villain(s) hamper the protagonist's rehabilitation with venomous calls in a deep movie-voice, usually backed up with a big knife and scary mask. All of the chilling aspects of prank-call-paranoia are there: the caller is watching you, his voice is disguised and the victim often prematurely assumes that it is friend playing a joke until the caller's homicidal intentions become apparent when a threat is made.

However, as Bart Simpson knows, some people just get a kick out of tricking people, plain and simple. In a survey of American University campuses, 58% of calls made from emergency telephones were crank calls. Meanwhile, The Jerky Boys, shock-jock Howard Stern and Radio 1's Chris Moyles have made a living out of fooling folks into a frenzy with their brand of x-rated fone phun (and have also got into a lot of trouble for it). Mind you, they only harass pizza restaurants and office employees - the home is, well, home and there's no place like it.

Whatever the prank caller's hang ups, hanging up seems to be the most sensible solution. If you don't bite then most will get bored and give up. Or you could just blow a whistle down the receiver and perforate the bastard's ear drums.

DD